Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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