I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
