new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
