I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
