I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
3pm strippers are depressing
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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