last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
