I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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