you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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