Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
