apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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