Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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