Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
