I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
