I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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