i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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