I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
