i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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