My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he laminated a picture of his dick.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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