My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
