Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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