What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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