I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm at about main and main street
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
