Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
