did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
