The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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