College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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