What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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