Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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