What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
