I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
