haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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