I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
