And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
