I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
