and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
