y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
