so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
