Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
