The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
