Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
