I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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