Cold hands, warm shart.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
