Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
