your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
