I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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