Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
