Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
