so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
