I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
