i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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