I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just high enough for therapy.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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