birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
