Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
