Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
